At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
