I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
