I feel like abortions should bother me more
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
