So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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