haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize