Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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