I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
