I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
