Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
