what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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