I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
