I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
