you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i now understand why vodka
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
