I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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