and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Text me some of your sweat
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize