did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
