I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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