You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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