i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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