I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
