Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dicks are not precious.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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