so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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