Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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