i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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