Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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