it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
