jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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