The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize
