I'm jealous of your bromance
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
