I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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