tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
