Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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