listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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