take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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