i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize