I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
