don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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