I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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