i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
