Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
