I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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