mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He felt like a one man threesome
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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