is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Quick, to the slutcave!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My pussy is not your playground.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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