how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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