I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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