The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
