Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
