i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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