i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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