I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
