fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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