theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
