I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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