she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
