i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
