He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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