Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
