You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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