Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
