When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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