i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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